Glorious Day!

Such a wonderful day today...she's smiling. What a gorgeous face; when she
smiles the whole room seems to glow, and bask in her emotion! I savor those
precious smiles of hers. They're soooo contagious.

Towards the end of January, we will be going out to visit my other daughter.
We're all so excited. The anticipation is sometimes overwhelming.

We will all be together again, for a while...making more memories...

I have been blessed in my children, and theirs...

Such a wonderful day today...she's smiling!

Christmas was not the same this year...

She was trying desperately to fight the depression. She baked a delicious ham,
complete with trimmings. She was trying to keep the festive mood...then, it faded.

Her insecurities overtook her. Trying despondently to hold on, she became loud and obnoxious. She had lost yet another battel...one , of many more to come...
anger engulfed her. She became irrational...and left.

I'll call her today....

**********

Talked with my middle child today

Dear Lord, how I miss her! This will be the very first Christmas that the girls have been apart. My oldest daughter is having such a hard time being without her younger sister.

She came over today, with tears in her eyes, and sat on my bed. She's so scared.
Dear Lord, how do I help her...she knows she's rapidly losing her abilities. A mother should never have to experience this. The pain is unbearable...yet, I must continue to be strong...for their sake.

Tho we don't speak it, we keep thinking...why did she leave...especially now, with the diagnosis. I keep saying she had to do what she felt was best. Though she has moved away...she is and always will be deeply within our heart...deeply within our soul...

Merry Christmas, my baby...we will talk again soon...

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Not Your Fault

This is my 14 year old granddaughter's response to her Mother's illness:

It’s Not Your Fault


“I’m sorry you guys,” her voice repeats in my mind. She said she was sorry. Like it was her fault, like she could prevent it. It’s not your fault Mom…

I can remember everything that happened at that moment. It’s almost frozen in time. A single, horrible memory, that won’t go away. I was thinking ‘why her?’ Why did she have to stand in front of her two children and tell us that she has Huntington’s Disease? She looked at us and said sorry for the disease that had been in her genes since birth. She had no way of knowing that she had it.

In case you didn’t know, Huntington’s is a rare disease. The only way you can have it is if your parent had it. Children of a Huntington’s patient have a fifty/fifty chance of having the disease too. You are born with it and there is no cure. Unless you get tested you won’t realize you have it until around your late thirties. Huntington’s causes your mind to deteriorate, or in simpler terms, you start to loose control of yourself. Some signs that you might see are uncontrollable shaking, memory loss, stuttering or slurring of words, and reactions are a lot slower. The biggest sign is a rise in the anger level. The disease causes the patient to be very moody and unpredictable.

The scariest part about it all is that one day I might have to tell my children that I have Huntington’s. My children telling their children, and so on in a never ending circle. One day my children might be writing a paper just like I’m doing now. It’s creepy to look into my future and see me in my mother’s position. I see myself looking down at my children with tears in my eyes, just like my mother had to. My mother’s fate effects how I now look upon my life. Things seem different now, yet nothing is different. I want to be able to look into my future and see how my life will play out. I want to prepare myself for what is to come. I want to be able to understand what might or might not be inside of me.

When my mother told me that she had the disease I didn’t know much about it. I remember wondering what it meant, what would be different. I knew that my grandfather had the disease, so did my aunt, but not my mom. There was no way my mom could have it. Her test results came in early, so it was a slap in the face when she told me. I wasn’t expecting it at all. In fact I was angry because when they told me they had to talk to me I thought I was in trouble. I was mad that she was going to ground me or make me clean my room.

I remember her telling my brother and me to sit at the table. I was in the process of making a sandwich and she told me to bring everything to the table and eat while we talked. I made my sandwich and started to eat it. My brother sat across from me looking up at my parents. He had that, ‘I didn’t do it’ look on his face. I was mad at him too, because I knew that he’d get away with whatever he was in trouble for. I was mad at all of them, and I shouldn’t have been. I shouldn’t of had thoughts of anger when my mom needed me the most.

I guess my point is that I’m sorry. One moment before she told me she had the disease I was mad at her. I was angry for something as stupid as having to clean my room or getting grounded. I can’t help feeling that I owe her something, like I hurt her in the worst possible way. All I can give her is my love. I know that it doesn’t change anything, but it does help.

I remember the darkness outside the house. It contributed to my feelings, my want for understanding of what was going on. What was going to happen. Everything seemed so unreal within the house. Time stopped, for a single moment, everything froze. I remember the words, the way they weakly fell from her lips and into my memory.

“I’m sorry you guys,” her voice repeats in my mind. She said she was sorry. Like it was her fault, like she could prevent it. It’s not your fault Mom…

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Bethany has some poetry she wrote, so I created a page for her. I feel it's important for her to be able to get her feelings out. She's so grown, at such a young age. My first grandchild, and so like her Mother...

Here is a link to my Family photos: http://www.willowsrealm.com/nillasphotos.html

My BlogSpot on the Web

Welcome to My Blogspot on the Web.


As most of you may know, my passion in life (other than my family) is writing. POETRY, to be exact; although I have written many short stories that I have never published. Who knows, that may very well be my next adventure.
Here is link to my site http://www.willowsrealm.com/ which is filledwith original poetry, free e-cards, photos of my family; and guest poets.