The Email

I received an email today from my oldest granddaughter, Tudah. She told me her mother had been trying to get hold of me. She said her mama was sitting there one night and said, "I miss my Mother. Where's the phone". I called her and we talked for a bit. She said she was fine and wanted to be sure that we were alright. I assured her that everything was fine and, I'd be up there to spend a weekend with her soon. It seemed to pacify her. It didn't pacify me, however. I was praying that she didn't hear the trembling in my voice as I choked down the tears.

It's hard being away from them. It's hard to keep my life going as well. I can't let my life fall apart. I MUST continue. I CAN be in two places at once. I'm a Mother...and I've done it for years.

You see, I've learned that it's not wrong to continue living. The years of guilt that I use to feel when I dealt with their father is gone. I HAVE to continue with my own life. We all have to.

I still fight my urges to give up and run home to them; but I push those urges to the side. They're not children. They're adult women with husbands and children of their own. I MUST NOT INTERFERE. I have the faith and confidence in my son-in-laws. The girls chose well. When the time comes, my son's will ask for my help...and I will be right there with them...and for them.

For any of you who are following this journal; this is a tough one. Guilt...anger...fear...and protectiveness will bog you down. No matter how strong you think you are...you must seek counseling. No one can handle this alone.

Talking to someone...seeking advise is empowering to one's soul. Don't deny yourself reinforcement. EMBRACE it! You'll need it in the days to come...