The Email

I received an email today from my oldest granddaughter, Tudah. She told me her mother had been trying to get hold of me. She said her mama was sitting there one night and said, "I miss my Mother. Where's the phone". I called her and we talked for a bit. She said she was fine and wanted to be sure that we were alright. I assured her that everything was fine and, I'd be up there to spend a weekend with her soon. It seemed to pacify her. It didn't pacify me, however. I was praying that she didn't hear the trembling in my voice as I choked down the tears.

It's hard being away from them. It's hard to keep my life going as well. I can't let my life fall apart. I MUST continue. I CAN be in two places at once. I'm a Mother...and I've done it for years.

You see, I've learned that it's not wrong to continue living. The years of guilt that I use to feel when I dealt with their father is gone. I HAVE to continue with my own life. We all have to.

I still fight my urges to give up and run home to them; but I push those urges to the side. They're not children. They're adult women with husbands and children of their own. I MUST NOT INTERFERE. I have the faith and confidence in my son-in-laws. The girls chose well. When the time comes, my son's will ask for my help...and I will be right there with them...and for them.

For any of you who are following this journal; this is a tough one. Guilt...anger...fear...and protectiveness will bog you down. No matter how strong you think you are...you must seek counseling. No one can handle this alone.

Talking to someone...seeking advise is empowering to one's soul. Don't deny yourself reinforcement. EMBRACE it! You'll need it in the days to come...

Playing Games

I called to check on the girls last night and, they were playing dice. The game is called Zonk, and played with six dice. It took me back to a time when we all got together and played games. We enjoyed the family time so much. They would come over or call and invite us over...just about every weekend. We did everything together back then. There was scary movie night (and my son-in-laws so enjoyed hiding around the corners and jumping out at me on break time) , Dominos night, Trivia night, etc. and how I miss it all!

Holidays were awesome! The girls would cook, I would cook...and we would all meet together at one of their homes to enjoy the festivities, and the loud squealing children. Lord, how I miss it!

Datu seems to be coming out of her insecurities a bit more, with Swan home. I was hoping that would happen. My J spends a lot of her evenings after work with her sisters. My special baby...given to me by God. She has been looking after Datu and helping as much as she can...and she has so much to handle as it is...with her own life. She is so strong...and makes me so proud.

Soon, I will make the trip up North to enjoy them all...for one brief weekend, I will take in as much as I can...to last me to my next visit.

Dear Heavenly Father...thank you for watching over my family...

Together Again

July 18, 2006

I have moved to Salome, AZ. I am now three hours away from my daughters. Not very far yet...it feels a galaxy away.

Swan and the babies have arrived home...and I went to see them last week. To hold them all again was such a sweet delight. How I have missed them. I will make a trip up north at least once a month to be with my children...and...God willing...maybe even more.

My youngest called me tonight. She had taken a trip back east to visit family and frineds. She called to let me know she was home and, give me some heart warming salutations from those we love and left behind.

She will be moving down south about an hour away from me, as her man's job has brought them here. It appears we both will be making regular visits up north.

I can't deny that the thought of at least one of my children being close to me is exciting. I anticipate a lot of visiting when she gets here.

Huntington's continues to ravish my babies...but we are now together again...and will reinforce each other as the days go by.

Thank you Dear God...for bringing us together again....

Swan

On Friday...the 7th of July...my Swan comes home. I will go up and spend the weekend with my family; for the first time in a long time. All four...together again.

On Friday...the 7th of July...my heavy heart rejoices. Thank you my God...