Concentrating on Her Children

Swan and her family will be moving into their new home in Rimrock
this weekend. I’m happy for them. Since they have come back home,
they’re been through a lot. The sister’s fighting ... the emotional out
breaks. Both families have had a hard time of it.

DaTuh has decided to withdraw and keep to herself and her immediate
family. I had seen this happen with her Father’s cousins. For years
after the onset of Huntington’s, they had become hermits ... until their
death. I guess this is quite common in Huntington’s patients. They can
seem only to handle their defined little world set before them. I’m
frightened. I so wanted to make memories. I never dreamed this would
be the path she wanted to take. My son-in-law told my youngest that
DaTuh should be concentrating on her children at this point in time. I
agree. As hard as it is for me, she should give all that she is able to those
children . . . my grand babies . . . for they will have to look to a future
without her . . .

I have memories. Memories of her birth, her whole life . . . up to this
point. My DaTuh, my firstborn . . .

When somethin is wrong with my baby ...

I have tried several times to call and talk to Datuh. She won’t talk to me. In her mind, everyone has abandoned her; when in fact ... she has pushed us all away.

At this point, there is nothing I can do ... but wait. Wait for her to call, miss me, want me.

It’s so very hard because there is no reasoning with her at this point. She is always right and refuses to see it any other way.

I have also been depressed and could not even bring myself to write in this journal. I must keep going. I must keep writing. Not just for myself ... but for all who are experiencing the horror of this terrible illness. They need to know that their feelings are real, and need to be expressed.

Soon, I’ll be taking a trip to Cottonwood to see Swan, J-ker and the grandchildren. I will try to stop by and see Datuh. Just to tell her that I love her ... and miss her ... with all my heart.

I keep in touch with Tudah and Swan regularly. Tudah had asked her mother if she was mad at grandma too ... Datuh simply said, “Ya know, I just don’t care anymore.” I try to not take it personally because this is the way Huntington’s patients are. They do reach a point where they just don’t care anymore.

Swan is still devastated and very hurt. I know she loves her sister but she’s struggling with the harsh facts of reality as well. They will be moving into their new house at the end of this month. We will visit Cottonwood at that point. I will stop in and see Datuh, as well.

I need to visit Havasu as well, to check on PB. I spoke with her yesterday, and all seems well there.

I haven’t heard from my J’ker. I hear she has started her own business and she regularly checks in on Datuh and Swan. When I visit Cottonwood, I need to see her and those grand babies. I miss them so much.

I miss Cottonwood. The mountain breezes, the beautiful red rocks of Sedona. The very smell of the air. How I wish I could go back home. Soon ...